Two Points for Honesty

So I’ve been reading this incredible book by Tracy Kidder called Mountains Beyond Mountains. I’m sure all you social justice-heads out there that I’m close with have read it at least once. Anyways, the book is about a Harvard educated doctor and anthropologist named Paul Farmer. When Farmer was my age he began commuting between a life in Cange, Haiti and medical school in Boston. This blog has turned into a reflection on the unparalleled work that Paul Farmer has done for the people in Haiti. But, it is also a painfully honest reflection on my thoughts on my own service and also on my calling towards a life long service.

On page 25 of Mountains Beyond Mountains Farmer says that he doesn’t sleep because he can’t. When he sleeps there is always someone who is not getting treatment and he cannot bear that thought.

My feelings upon initially reading that particular passage were feelings of great despair, an emotion I have been battling severely since my first trip to South Africa in 2007. How can we possibly begin to fix anything or help anyone? The inscription at the beginning of the book is a Haitian Proverb: “Beyond mountains there are mountains.” Any glimmer of success and healing is tarnished by the next challenges, which are undoubtedly waiting for you as soon as you summit the previous ones.

Once I seemingly work through the despair, I am met with my own guilt. I feel the weight of Farmer’s decision not to rest so he can meet the vast amount of need. But yet, at then end of my days here, I am not thinking about how more I can help the people I spend my days with. I am thinking about how long it will be until I can rest my head. I realize and accept that I am not expected to deny myself rest. My frustration lies in the fact that I cannot find in myself the tireless zeal and commitment that Farmer seems to have.

I love South Africa (very obviously, or I wouldn’t be back here a second time). I love my work. I love the beauty and the brokenness and the contrasts and the progress that has been made and the progress that will be made. But my selfish and very human nature is keeping me from submerging myself completely, as Paul Farmer has done with his entire life in Haiti.

I can’t wrap my mind around how natural and easy it seems to be for him (and for others) to devote the entirety of their being to service. I think part of the learning process is that it probably isn’t easy or natural for anyone and that I shouldn’t expect that it would be for myself either. Being here is important and an awesome step towards these things, but I often feel that there is something within me hesitating to give more than just this year. Sustainable service goes far beyond a one year commitment and I feel as if I am hesitant to give that. And I feel frustrated and saddened about the hesitation within me.

I’ve been meditating and praying a great deal on whether or not I am called to live here permanently. I want to be able to dedicated my life to something the way that Farmer did. To give my entirety to helping and bettering a place. To the principles of “ubuntu” that I’m always harping on. But my constant battle with my own human desires and fears.

Another conversation and battle I have been having within my head is what skill I have to offer. A lot of Farmer’s work surrounds his medical services. It is a practical thing that is needed everywhere. I say I have this desire to provide my aid, but what exactly is it that I am providing? And is this argument in my head even relevant if I don’t have something specific to offer? Or am I just another white liberal (or WL as Farmer calls us) who wants to feel better about herself and her notions of services?

Anyways there isn’t really a point to this ramble. I want to only desire a life dedicated to enabling others to live fully. I guess that is the point of this. What I want to desire and what I actually desire are two very separate things. There have been many moments where my desire for chocolate, a long run, Philadelphia, or comfort have far outweighed my desire towards constant service. And I am frustrated about that.